I forgave

I have read many stories and many books where people didnt have the chance to say goodbye or to give those whom needed the forgiveness well here is my chance.
I forgive you all. My family, my friends, anyone close to my heart, strangers, enemies.

I forgive you for everything. I want you to go on living without a sharp pain of regrett. Not having that chance to ask me for forgiveness. I know i was a pain in the butt and i broke many rules and i hurt and i lied. I hope you all can forgive me.

Maybe i wont be there in person to give you a handshake or a hug but i truly have forgiven you. My heart holds no black list.

I love you mom and dad so very much. You have taught me and raised me well, all the good things came from you, from your teaching. All the bad habits and bad choices came from me. I am sorry for causing you all the pain and worries. I love you and i know some day we will meet in heaven. Dont worry about me, i am no longer suffering or making others suffer with my stubburness (yes i prolly misspelled that), i aint perfect.

God Bless You all...

I love you all

Thankful for you all in my life...

(this is me marina being my weird self)...lol

Will He Ever Know?

I think about him night and day, day and night, anytime i see him i get butterflies in my stomach. That young feeling. Anytime we talk or laugh i feel sparks between us. We hang out. We go places together, he treats me like i am special to him. He told me that he can never imagine losing me. Is he the one for me? Or am i blinded again? We tell each other how much we like each other. What if i feel more than "like" between us, what if i do love him. In Jan will be 1 Year for us since we known each other, at first we were just friends, since my husband wasnt able to be there he was (he told me everything would be alright and that my husband was lucky), then once my marriage failed he was still holding on to me. I feel so happy when i hear from him. Will I ever get the chance to tell him how my heart truly feels for him or will the truth die with me?

My Truth

I am so lonely. Anywhere i go there are couples, to the left and to the right. Makes me wonder will that ever be me? seriously and i know my friends tell me just wait he is just around the corner. Which corner? I am trying to be reasonable. Yes i just got out of a divorce. Which is embarrassing but what could i do he didnt love me, and i thought i loved him. It was a blinded marriage. Didnt even feel like a marriage we got married and 3 weeks later he was locked up. Someone told me they think i will never be in a real relationship. They say that once the relationship hits the 7 month mark then i start to find reasons to get away. I looked and thought about it and yes in some cases that is true. But in those 7 months the real person starts showing up and i dont like that person or we just dont get along and we have different meanings and our thoughts dont complete each other. Most of my friends are in love, getting married having children and me i got nothing. No man in my life. Nobody to hold me tight and tell me they love me for who i am. Will i ever get my 2nd half? do i have a soulmate? or was i meant to be alone? These are questions i seem to have in my mind alot. Will they ever be answered? Well i have had this cooped up in my life. I know God will send me the right man, the man he has chosen for me, just it isnt my time. I know i have to leave everything up to him, but i cant help it and wonder on my own. I sound like a sad lost little soul. I am sad most of these days, i dont shout it from the roof tops and not many of my friends know how i am. I hide this side of me. Well at least here i can share it.

Acceptance

So we had this wonderful pastor "Boris Shiva" For as long as i can remember. He is my uncle and i trust him with my life. I turned to him when anything has gone wrong or when there was no one else to go to. He helped me so much. When i found out that the church was replacing him i got so sad. I thought maybe it was gossip and he wouldnt leave his place in this church. Then things got serious and there was a vote and he was gone. I was mad at the church i couldnt even step foot into it knowing that we had such a great leader and they just tossed him out. He wasn't just great because he was my uncle, the way he spoke it was understandable and it was wonderful. When he left our church as a our pastor, a part of me left too. This church isnt the same without him. He was the best leader. I will never replace him in my heart. So in his place 'sub pastor' we got this new guy. He does everything his way and mostly not even by the bible. He is trying to change this normal baptist church into a strict baptist church. When he prays i feel like he has left out most of the world. That he only prays for his people. He is against americans. He doesnt let us sing or talk or preach in american.I honestly as my opinion i think that is wrong. In my heart i know its wrong to not forgive and move on and accept him. But i dont think i can ever do that. So i have been thinking that now its my turn to move on onto a different church. I am going now start going to American church.

Why is that when someone is trying to do the best for us they ignore it? Will ever change, before God comes?

(sometimes when i pray i cry thinking about how great it was with Dada Bora)
I also heard that he is happy right now, spending time with his family. No worries that ppl are pointing fingers at him. That he can travel around the world preaching is wonderful words.

Life flashes before your eyes..

So i was just talking to my sister how so many deers get hit on this road highway 2, and i realize we slamming on the breaks apparently this big fat deer jumped right infront of our car.. it was so scary. We hit it and it like tore apart.. the legs flew over the car and the body with the head flew infront, it landed infront of the car on the road. So we went around it, cause my sisters jeep doesnt have reverse. So we kept driving and then pulled over into a high school parking lot. She thought the car was fine, i walk out with my camera and just start taking pics.. the front is smashed in, the lights and grill is totally gone, the deer's fur is all over the car, some blood splattered. She called her husband and he pulled up with our lil brother and brother in law and they open the hood and the motor is moved out of place, its pushed up. we have no idea how we still could have driven. So we got home safely the car died right by our house so we rolled down the hill and parked it in the yard.

My sister and i had a conversation. How lucky we were. Cause is that deer had went thru the windshield one of us or even both of us wouldnt be alive.... We even prayed before we drove. but we both know that God had a reason for what happened. Its just a flash to what can happen in seconds..

Now we just sit at home. I guess God had a reason for us to not go anywhere that day. I am happy. I came home and i was a lil bit shaken still cause it was a hard hit. The booster seat in the back flew all the way to the front and hit me in the head, but didnt knock me out. I am thankful thats all the injuries i got from that. My sister is fine.. just was shaken up.

We know now to be very alert for things in life that happen without a blink of an eye...

Why does it bother me (us)?

So when we repent to our Lord in Heaven he forgives us our sin(s) and forgets it. Why is that when we repent in church, that church forgives and the pastor forgives but they dont seem to forget. They remind us all everyday. Remember that thing you did, remember i forgave you for your sins. Its a constant reminder. Why is it like that? Why is that i stand in church and hear the pastor pray 'please God protect our christian youth?' Why does it hurt me? why does it feel like i am left out as well as the others? To me i dont think he said the right things.. He should say every youth... He cant choose and pick out who is christian and who isnt. We are all God's children..
I have been wanting to get this off my chest...

Please leave me your opinion about this... you can write it as a comment....thank you